5 Major Mistakes Psychologists Say Silently Ruin Relationships, In relationships, both romantic and platonic, communication is often heralded as the cornerstone of success.
However, many people, without realizing it, engage in behaviors that undermine the very communication that could help them build stronger, healthier bonds. While arguments and disagreements are inevitable, it’s the subtle actions and unspoken patterns of behavior that can slowly erode a relationship over time.
According to psychologists, there are several behaviors that tend to silently ruin relationships, often without either partner recognizing the destructive patterns until it’s too late.
In this article, we’ll explore five major mistakes that psychologists say can seriously damage relationships if not addressed early: contempt, stonewalling, irrational conclusions, creating resistance with commands, and projecting faults.
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1. The Danger in Contempt
Contempt is perhaps one of the most damaging emotions in any relationship. It’s a feeling of superiority over your partner and often manifests through mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or belittling comments.
When one partner expresses contempt toward the other, it communicates that they’re unworthy of respect. In relationships, this type of behavior can erode trust, undermine emotional safety, and even lead to physical health problems due to the stress it creates.
Psychologist John Gottman, who is widely recognized for his research on relationships, identifies contempt as one of the “four horsemen” that predict divorce.
When contempt takes root, it leads to a negative cycle of resentment and negativity, where one partner feels diminished and the other feels justified in their superiority. Over time, contempt erodes the emotional bond that is essential for a relationship to thrive.
Why It Happens: Contempt often arises when one partner feels disrespected or undervalued. It may also stem from unresolved conflicts, unmet expectations, or feelings of disappointment. When one partner feels like their needs or desires are ignored, they may begin to see their partner in a negative light, leading to a buildup of resentment and ultimately contempt.
What to Do: The first step in overcoming contempt is to recognize when it’s occurring. If you notice that you’re consistently criticizing or belittling your partner, it’s important to step back and reflect on the deeper feelings driving those reactions. In many cases, contempt is a defense mechanism against hurt or vulnerability.
To counteract it, focus on fostering empathy and understanding. Practice active listening, validate your partner’s feelings, and express your own emotions in a constructive way.
If contempt is deeply ingrained, seeking couples therapy might be helpful to address the root causes and learn healthier communication patterns.
2. Stonewalling
Stonewalling refers to the act of emotionally withdrawing from a conversation or issue. When one partner stonewalls, they may shut down, refuse to communicate, or physically leave the room during a discussion.
While it might feel like a way to avoid conflict in the short term, stonewalling creates significant barriers to resolution and emotional connection.
The partner who is being stonewalled may feel ignored, rejected, or unimportant, which can lead to further disconnection and frustration.
Psychologist John Gottman also categorizes stonewalling as one of the “four horsemen” of relationship ruin.
He explains that when a person feels overwhelmed by an argument or emotionally flooded, they may stonewall to protect themselves.
Unfortunately, this behavior typically leaves the other partner feeling unsupported and unheard, leading to further distress and unresolved tension.
Why It Happens: Stonewalling usually occurs when one partner feels emotionally overwhelmed or unable to handle the intensity of the conversation.
It may also happen when one person feels helpless or powerless in the situation, choosing to shut down rather than risk saying something hurtful or getting further upset.
Emotional exhaustion and a lack of coping skills can also contribute to stonewalling.
What to Do: If you or your partner tends to stonewall, it’s essential to address the issue before it becomes a habit.
The first step is recognizing when you’re becoming emotionally overwhelmed and taking a brief break to cool down before returning to the conversation. It’s crucial to communicate that you’re not rejecting your partner, but rather taking time to process your emotions.
Encourage open dialogue about how both partners can handle difficult conversations in a more constructive way.
Practicing mindfulness, learning stress management techniques, and developing healthy communication skills can help reduce the tendency to stonewall in high-stress situations.
3. Irrational Conclusions
Irrational conclusions are a form of cognitive distortion in which one partner makes assumptions or interpretations about the other’s behavior without adequate evidence.
This could involve jumping to conclusions about your partner’s feelings, intentions, or actions, often leading to unnecessary misunderstandings or conflict.
For example, assuming that your partner is upset with you because they seem distant, without checking in with them, can create unnecessary tension. Irrational conclusions can spiral into negative beliefs that cloud your perception of your partner and the relationship.
These conclusions may come from insecurity, past experiences, or unspoken fears.
While it’s natural to want to make sense of the world around us, drawing conclusions without facts can lead to conflict and emotional turmoil.
Over time, these unfounded assumptions can erode trust and breed resentment, as the other partner may feel unfairly judged or misunderstood.
Why It Happens: Irrational conclusions often arise from insecurity, anxiety, or past relationship trauma. When one partner feels uncertain or unsure, they may try to fill in the gaps by making assumptions about the other person’s feelings or motivations.
This behavior is often driven by fear of rejection or abandonment.
What to Do: To combat irrational conclusions, practice mindfulness and self-awareness. When you catch yourself assuming something negative about your partner, pause and ask yourself if you have concrete evidence to support your thoughts.
Challenge those assumptions by opening up a dialogue with your partner. Communicate openly about your feelings and encourage transparency in the relationship.
By focusing on facts and asking clarifying questions, you can prevent unnecessary misunderstandings from escalating into conflicts.
4. Creating Resistance With Commands
Creating resistance with commands refers to the tendency to issue direct orders or ultimatums in a relationship, rather than requesting or expressing needs in a collaborative manner.
This could look like telling your partner what to do, such as “You need to help me more around the house,” or “Stop doing that, it bothers me.” While it’s important to communicate your needs, delivering them in the form of commands can foster resistance and defensiveness.
Instead of encouraging your partner to cooperate or understand your needs, commands often prompt rebellion, resentment, or emotional withdrawal.
When commands are consistently used, it can create an environment of power struggle in the relationship, where one partner feels like they are being treated like a subordinate, rather than an equal.
Over time, this dynamic can lead to disconnection and conflict, as both partners may feel frustrated or unappreciated.
Why It Happens: The desire to control the situation or an inability to express needs in a collaborative way often leads to creating resistance with commands.
This behavior may come from a lack of awareness about how to communicate effectively or from frustration with the relationship.
What to Do: Instead of issuing commands, focus on using “I” statements to express your needs. For example, say, “I would really appreciate it if you could help me with the chores,” instead of “You need to help more.” Framing requests in a more respectful and understanding way can encourage a more cooperative and empathetic response.
It’s essential to view the relationship as a partnership, where both individuals contribute to problem-solving and decision-making together. Encourage a collaborative approach to resolving issues, rather than creating unnecessary resistance.
5. Projecting Faults
Projection occurs when one partner attributes their own feelings, insecurities, or faults onto the other person. For example, if you’re feeling jealous but accuse your partner of being insecure, you’re projecting your own feelings onto them.
Projection is a defense mechanism that can protect you from confronting your own flaws, but it’s ultimately damaging to the relationship.
It creates confusion, resentment, and a lack of accountability, as both partners may feel blamed for problems that aren’t their fault.
When one partner is constantly projecting their own issues onto the other, it creates a toxic environment where neither person takes responsibility for their actions. Over time, this lack of accountability can erode the trust and respect that is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Why It Happens: Projection often arises from unresolved personal issues, insecurities, or fears. When someone struggles to accept their own emotions or flaws, they may project those feelings onto their partner to avoid confronting uncomfortable truths about themselves.
What to Do: To overcome projection, practice self-awareness and self-reflection. Pay attention to your reactions and ask yourself if you might be projecting your own feelings or insecurities onto your partner.
Take responsibility for your emotions and confront any personal issues that may be influencing your behavior.
Encourage open communication and honesty in the relationship, where both partners feel safe to express their emotions without fear of blame or judgment.
Final Thoughts
In relationships, both partners play a role in maintaining a healthy dynamic.
The five behaviors discussed—contempt, stonewalling, irrational conclusions, creating resistance with commands, and projecting faults—are all deeply ingrained habits that can undermine the foundation of trust, respect, and emotional connection.
While they might seem subtle or inconsequential in the moment, over time, these behaviors can create a cycle of negativity and disconnection that silently erodes the relationship.
By recognizing these behaviors and making a conscious effort to change them, couples can foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
Open communication, empathy, self-awareness, and mutual respect are the keys to overcoming these pitfalls and building a stronger bond.
If these patterns are difficult to break on your own, seeking therapy or counseling can provide valuable tools for improving communication and emotional connection.
Relationships are a continuous work in progress, and by addressing these silent relationship killers, you can create a foundation that allows love, trust, and connection to flourish.
Emma Thompson
Hi, I'm Emma Thompson, founder of MyLittleDesire. I share relationship advice, love quotes, and thoughtful gift ideas to help you express your feelings and strengthen your bonds. Let's celebrate love together!
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