When you find yourself in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, it can often feel confusing, hurtful, and frustrating.
Avoidants tend to pull away when things get too emotionally intense or when they feel overwhelmed, which can leave their partners feeling rejected or misunderstood.
Understanding the intricacies of avoidant behavior and knowing how to respond can help you navigate these situations more effectively.
In this article, we’ll discuss 7 things you can do when an avoidant partner pushes you away, as well as answer some common questions about avoidant behavior in relationships.
1. Understand Their Behavior
The first step in dealing with an avoidant who pushes you away is to understand the root of their behavior. Avoidant individuals typically have a deep-seated fear of intimacy and a tendency to withdraw when they feel their personal space is being invaded.
This detachment is often tied to past experiences where they might have been let down or hurt, leading them to build emotional walls to protect themselves.
People with an avoidant attachment style may struggle with vulnerability and have a difficult time expressing their emotions.
They are often uncomfortable with the idea of depending on others or having others depend on them.
When they feel emotionally overwhelmed or close to someone, they may push them away as a defense mechanism.
It’s essential to keep in mind that their avoidance of intimacy isn’t a reflection of how they feel about you; it’s more about their inner struggles.
Understanding this can help you avoid taking their actions personally, which can make it easier to navigate the situation without escalating tensions.
2. Talk About the Issue, But Gently
When an avoidant partner pushes you away, it’s tempting to confront them and express your frustrations.
However, it’s important to approach the conversation with care.
Avoidants tend to shut down when confronted with high emotional intensity, so it’s crucial to approach the discussion gently and with empathy.
Instead of accusing them or pointing fingers, try to speak from a place of understanding.
Use “I” statements to express how their behavior makes you feel, such as “I feel hurt when you pull away” instead of “You always push me away.”
This phrasing can help prevent your partner from feeling defensive and create an environment where open communication can take place.
It’s also important to give them space to process and respond. Avoidants might need more time to open up, so don’t rush the conversation or pressure them to share before they’re ready.
Patience and understanding are key when communicating with someone who has an avoidant attachment style.
3. Respect Their Boundaries
One of the most important things to do when an avoidant partner pushes you away is to respect their boundaries.
This can be challenging, especially when you feel hurt or rejected, but it’s crucial to avoid pushing them further away by disrespecting their need for space.
Avoidants often retreat when they feel overwhelmed, and their need for personal space is not a sign of disinterest or a lack of love—it’s simply their way of coping.
Give them the time and space they need to process their emotions, and refrain from bombarding them with constant messages or demands for attention.
This might feel uncomfortable in the moment, but respecting their boundaries can help them feel safe and give them the time they need to work through their emotions.
It’s also important to set your own boundaries in the relationship. While respecting their space is necessary, you also need to ensure that your emotional needs are met.
Boundaries should be mutual, and both partners need to feel heard and respected in the relationship.
4. Find Common Interests
Finding common interests can help strengthen the emotional connection between you and an avoidant partner. When an avoidant is feeling distant or withdrawn, engaging in shared activities or hobbies can help create a sense of closeness without the pressure of emotional intimacy. This could involve something as simple as watching a movie together, cooking, going for a walk, or working on a project.
The key is to find something that both of you enjoy and can do together in a relaxed and low-pressure environment. This allows you to bond without overwhelming your partner emotionally. By focusing on shared experiences, you can create a sense of connection that doesn’t require deep emotional vulnerability, which may feel safer for your avoidant partner.
In time, this can help foster trust and comfort, and over time, your partner may feel more open to emotional intimacy.
5. Avoid Blame Games
When dealing with an avoidant partner, it’s essential to avoid playing the blame game. When someone with an avoidant attachment style pulls away, it’s easy to feel rejected or blame them for the lack of closeness. However, this approach is rarely helpful and can make the situation worse.
Instead of blaming them for pushing you away, focus on understanding the reasons behind their behavior. Recognize that their withdrawal isn’t an intentional attempt to hurt you; rather, it’s a defense mechanism they use to cope with their fears and anxieties. Blaming them will only make them feel defensive, which can result in further emotional distancing.
Instead, approach the situation with empathy and focus on how you can work together to address the issue. Be honest about how you feel, but also be understanding of their need for space. A balanced approach will likely foster a healthier conversation and move the relationship forward.
6. Educate Yourself on Attachment Styles
To better understand your avoidant partner’s behavior, it’s helpful to educate yourself on attachment theory. Attachment styles are patterns of behavior that people develop based on their early relationships with caregivers. These attachment styles influence how individuals approach relationships in adulthood.
There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Avoidant attachment is characterized by a strong desire for independence, fear of emotional closeness, and difficulty with vulnerability. People with avoidant attachment styles often struggle to express their emotions and may withdraw when they feel their partner is becoming too emotionally demanding.
By learning about attachment styles, you can gain valuable insights into your partner’s behavior and develop a more compassionate and patient approach to the relationship. Understanding their attachment style will also help you manage your expectations and avoid making assumptions about their intentions.
7. Step into Their Shoes
One of the best things you can do when your avoidant partner pushes you away is to try to step into their shoes. Imagine what it might feel like to have a deep fear of emotional intimacy, to feel suffocated or overwhelmed by vulnerability. Understanding their fears and insecurities can help you respond with compassion instead of frustration.
Rather than taking their actions personally, try to view their behavior as a reflection of their emotional struggles rather than a rejection of you. People with avoidant attachment styles often have difficulty trusting others and may fear being hurt or abandoned. By recognizing these fears, you can approach the relationship with greater patience and empathy.
When you step into their shoes, you create a safer emotional space for them to open up when they’re ready. This approach also fosters a sense of mutual understanding and respect, which can help the relationship thrive.
Do Avoidants Push Away People They Like?
Yes, people with an avoidant attachment style often push away those they care about, even if they have strong feelings for them. This behavior stems from their fear of intimacy and vulnerability. While they may like or love someone, the idea of getting too close can trigger feelings of anxiety or discomfort. As a result, they may push their partner away as a way of maintaining emotional distance and protecting themselves from potential hurt or rejection.
Avoidants may also struggle with a sense of self-sufficiency and may fear being too dependent on others. Even though they may care deeply for their partner, their inner conflict between wanting closeness and fearing it can lead them to withdraw.
Why Do Avoidants Push Away Love?
Avoidants push away love as a way to protect themselves from the vulnerability that comes with emotional intimacy. Many avoidants have experienced emotional wounds in the past, such as abandonment or neglect, which led them to develop a fear of getting too close to others. As a result, they build walls around their hearts to prevent themselves from getting hurt.
While avoidants may desire connection, they are often uncomfortable with the closeness and dependency that love entails. Their fear of being overwhelmed or rejected can lead them to push love away as a defense mechanism.
How Do You Know an Avoidant Truly Loves You?
Determining whether an avoidant truly loves you can be challenging due to their tendency to withdraw and avoid emotional closeness. However, some signs may indicate that an avoidant partner genuinely cares:
- They make an effort to spend time with you, even if it’s on their own terms.
- They may show love through actions rather than words, like helping you with tasks or supporting you in practical ways.
- They eventually open up, even if it’s difficult for them.
- They demonstrate care and concern for your well-being, even if it’s in subtle ways.
Avoidants often express love in less overt ways, so it’s important to recognize that their love may be quieter but no less meaningful.
How Do You Make a Relationship with an Avoidant Work?
Making a relationship with an avoidant work requires patience, understanding, and clear communication. Here are a few tips to make the relationship work:
- Give them space when they need it, but don’t tolerate consistent emotional withdrawal.
- Communicate gently and openly, without being confrontational.
- Be patient with their process of opening up emotionally.
- Create a sense of safety by respecting their boundaries and encouraging vulnerability at a comfortable pace.
- Seek professional help if necessary to work through any attachment issues.
By understanding their attachment style and offering support, you can build a healthy and fulfilling relationship with an avoidant partner.
Emma Thompson
Hi, I'm Emma Thompson, founder of MyLittleDesire. I share relationship advice, love quotes, and thoughtful gift ideas to help you express your feelings and strengthen your bonds. Let's celebrate love together!
Email – business@mylittledesire.com
