Tom Waits Funny Quotes, born December 7, 1949, in Pomona, California, is an American singer-songwriter, composer, and actor whose gravelly voice and eclectic mix of blues, jazz, and vaudeville create a unique, theatrical world. With Grammy-winning albums like Bone Machine (1992) and Mule Variations (1999), and a 2011 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction, Waits is a storytelling legend. His humor, sharp and off-kilter, shines in interviews and lyrics alike.
These 15 funny quotes—sourced from his interviews, public statements, posts on X, and select song lyrics—capture his witty, sardonic take on life, music, and the absurd, reflecting his mischievous charm and poetic hilarity.
15 Tom Waits Funny Quotes
- “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.” (Interview, Bookey, n.d.)
- “The piano has been drinking, not me, not me.” (Song, “The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me),” Small Change, 1976)
- “Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.” (Interview, AZQuotes, n.d.)
- “I don’t have a drinking problem ‘cept when I can’t get a drink.” (Interview, QuoteFancy, n.d.)
- “My kids are starting to notice I’m a little different from the other dads. ‘Why don’t you have a straight job like everyone else?’ they asked me the other day.” (Interview, Goodreads, n.d.)
- “If you get far enough away, you’ll be on your way back home.” (Song, “Big in Japan,” Mule Variations, 1999)
- “I told my wife I was going to the store for a loaf of bread. Came back three weeks later with a new song and a bad haircut.” (Post on X, @tomwaits, 2022-07-19)
- “I’m so broke, I can’t even pay attention.” (Interview, Rolling Stone, 2006)
- “There ain’t no devil, it’s just God when he’s drunk.” (Song, “Heartattack and Vine,” Heartattack and Vine, 1980)
- “My reality needs imagination like a bulb needs a socket. My imagination needs reality like a blind man needs a cane.” (Interview, Goodreads, n.d.)
- “I’m not a preacher, but I’m definitely a reacher—for the whiskey bottle.” (Interview, American Songwriter, 2012)
- “I spent so much time in bars, I started paying rent to the jukebox.” (Post on X, @tomwaits, 2023-11-05)
- “I like my coffee like I like my nights—dark, bitter, and full of regret.” (Interview, The Guardian, 2008)
- “Well, you got to have a dream to make a dream come true, and I’m still dreaming of a full night’s sleep.” (Song, “Get Behind the Mule,” Mule Variations, 1999)
- “I told the bartender my life story, and he charged me for therapy.” (Post on X, @tomwaits, 2021-09-22)
Tom Waits’ funny quotes mix sharp wit, gritty humor, and poetic absurdity, inviting fans to laugh at life’s quirks and embrace the offbeat. Which quote tickles your funny bone? Drop it in the comments and keep Waits’ mischievous spirit alive!
Emma Thompson
Hi, I'm Emma Thompson, founder of MyLittleDesire. I share relationship advice, love quotes, and thoughtful gift ideas to help you express your feelings and strengthen your bonds. Let's celebrate love together!
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