Alan King Quotes, born Irwin Alan Kniberg on December 26, 1927, in New York City, and passing on May 9, 2004, was an American comedian, actor, and philanthropist whose biting wit and relatable humor made him a staple of mid-20th-century comedy. Rising to fame in the 1950s through appearances on The Ed Sullivan Show and The Garry Moore Show, King’s stand-up rants tackled everyday absurdities—marriage, family, and modern life—with a Jewish comedic sensibility. He starred in films like Casino (1995), wrote books, produced Broadway shows, and founded the Alan King Diagnostic Medical Center in Jerusalem. These 15 quotes—sourced from his stand-up, interviews, and public statements—reflect his sharp humor, keen observations, and zest for life, capturing his legacy as a comedic trailblazer.
15 Alan King Quotes
- “A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!” (Stand-up routine, n.d.)
- “Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.” (AZQuotes, n.d.)
- “Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We’re reflections. It’s a distorted mirror in the fun house.” (Interview, n.d.)
- “If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” (Stand-up routine, n.d.)
- “When I was in the hospital, they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even. One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.” (Stand-up routine, n.d.)
- “You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.” (SComedy, n.d.)
- “I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.” (QuoteTab, n.d.)
- “Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?” (SComedy, n.d.)
- “Humor is a universal language that transcends barriers and connects us all.” (Bookey, 2023)
- “As life’s pleasures go, food is second only to sex. Except for salami and eggs. Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.” (SComedy, n.d.)
- “The power of laughter lies in its ability to heal and bring people together.” (Bookey, 2023)
- “The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.” (Stand-up routine, n.d.)
- “When I read Dickens for the first time, I thought he was Jewish, because he wrote about oppression and bigotry, all the things that my father talked about.” (Interview, n.d.)
- “Jesus saves, Moses invests.” (SComedy, n.d.)
- “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.” (Bookey, 2023)
Alan King’s quotes are a hilarious yet poignant mix of wit, wisdom, and social commentary, reminding us to laugh at life’s absurdities and find joy in the everyday. Which quote cracks you up or hits home? Share it below and keep King’s comedic legacy alive!
Emma Thompson
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