5 Reasons Why You’ll Likely Marry The Wrong Person, Marriage is a huge commitment, and for many, it represents the pinnacle of romantic relationships.
Yet, despite the deep love and intention that often accompany the decision to marry, some people end up marrying the wrong person.
The result? Heartbreak, regret, and, in some cases, years of emotional struggle.
The decision to marry the right person is not always as straightforward as it seems, and many individuals end up in relationships where the foundations are flawed.
There are several underlying reasons why someone may end up marrying the wrong person, often without realizing it until it’s too late.
In this article, we’ll explore five key reasons why you may marry the wrong person — reasons that stem from unrealistic expectations, fear, emotional needs, and a lack of understanding about what truly constitutes compatibility.
1. You Assume You Can Change Your Partner
One of the most common reasons people marry the wrong person is the belief that they can change their partner after the wedding.
This mindset is dangerous because it can create unrealistic expectations about the relationship and the person you’ve chosen to marry.
Many individuals think that once they are in a committed relationship, they’ll be able to change their partner’s behavior, habits, or personality.
Whether it’s a desire to alter their partner’s spending habits, career ambitions, or lifestyle choices, this kind of thinking stems from the misconception that love can “fix” things.
While it’s true that relationships can inspire growth and change, expecting to fundamentally change someone is an unrealistic and risky approach.
When you enter marriage with the intention of changing someone, you’re not fully accepting them for who they are in the present.
Instead, you’re envisioning them as a version of themselves that doesn’t yet exist.
This can lead to disappointment and resentment when those changes don’t materialize.
It’s essential to recognize that real, lasting change only happens when both partners are genuinely motivated and open to it — and not just for the sake of pleasing someone else.
Why It’s a Problem:
- Unrealistic Expectations: Marriage is not a “fixer-upper” project, and expecting someone to change after you marry them is setting up both partners for failure. Change should be motivated from within, not because of someone else’s wishes.
- Resentment: If you marry someone expecting them to change, you may eventually feel resentment when they don’t meet your expectations. This can lead to emotional distance, frustration, and even the breakdown of the relationship.
- Failure to Embrace True Compatibility: Marrying someone with the hope of changing them can prevent you from acknowledging whether you are truly compatible. It can result in you overlooking critical incompatibilities in favor of wishing for change.
Example:
You might marry someone who has financial habits you don’t agree with, thinking that once you’re married, they’ll start budgeting and saving like you do. However, if they don’t feel the need to change their behavior, it can create tension and conflict. This situation is much more common than many realize, and it’s often a root cause of frustration in marriages.
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2. You’re Too Afraid to Be Alone
The fear of being alone is a powerful force that can cloud your judgment and push you into a relationship or marriage that isn’t right for you.
Society often puts immense pressure on individuals to be in relationships, and this can lead to feelings of loneliness and inadequacy when single.
This fear, known as “fear of being single,” can drive you to make poor choices when it comes to selecting a partner.
You may rush into marriage simply to avoid the discomfort of being alone, rather than taking the time to truly get to know yourself and the person you’re with.
When you’re afraid of being alone, you may overlook red flags or settle for a partner who doesn’t truly align with your values, interests, or long-term goals.
The need for companionship can cloud your ability to discern whether the relationship is healthy or if the person you’re with is genuinely a good match for you.
Why It’s a Problem:
- Rushed Decisions: The fear of being alone can prompt you to rush into marriage without fully considering the compatibility and future of the relationship. This can result in a lack of preparation for the realities of marriage and a lack of understanding of what you both need from each other.
- Ignoring Dealbreakers: In an attempt to avoid loneliness, you may ignore significant issues that could become major problems later on, such as incompatible life goals or differing values.
- Dependence on Another Person: Fear of being alone can also create unhealthy dependence on your partner. Instead of learning to enjoy your own company and developing personal growth, you may place undue pressure on the relationship to fulfill all your emotional needs.
Example:
A person may marry someone who doesn’t truly meet their needs because they fear the idea of being single. They might rush into the marriage to avoid being alone during the holidays or to meet societal expectations. Eventually, this fear-driven decision can lead to regret, dissatisfaction, and disconnection in the relationship.
3. You’re Trying to Recreate Earlier Attachments
Many people unknowingly marry the wrong person because they’re subconsciously trying to recreate a past relationship or attachment.
This is particularly common when someone has had an idealized or overly romanticized view of a previous partner, and they find themselves seeking similar traits in their future partner.
It may be a longing for the same kind of chemistry, excitement, or “spark” they felt in their first love or previous relationships.
This desire to recreate the past can lead to entering into a marriage that is based on the wrong motivations.
Instead of assessing the current relationship objectively, you may find yourself projecting the qualities of a past relationship onto your current partner.
This can create a false sense of compatibility and lead to dissatisfaction down the road when the new partner doesn’t live up to the idealized expectations.
Why It’s a Problem:
- Emotional Unavailability: If you’re still emotionally attached to a previous partner, it can prevent you from fully engaging with your current partner. This emotional “comparison” can create disconnection and prevent the new relationship from developing naturally.
- Unfair Expectations: You may expect your partner to behave or feel the way your previous partner did, which can lead to frustration and misunderstandings.
- Lack of Authenticity: Trying to recreate past attachments means you’re not fully accepting your current partner for who they are, and instead, you’re treating them as a replacement for someone else. This can create an unhealthy dynamic.
Example:
Someone who had an intense and passionate relationship in their youth may find themselves constantly comparing their current partner to that person. As a result, they may overlook qualities that could make their current relationship stronger and healthier because they’re too focused on the past.
4. Emophilia
Emophilia refers to a tendency to be attracted to someone who needs to be “saved” or someone who is emotionally unstable.
Some people marry the wrong person because they are drawn to their partner’s emotional wounds or vulnerabilities.
The desire to fix or heal someone can be seductive, especially when it feels like you’re playing a role of protector or caretaker.
However, marrying someone with significant emotional baggage or unresolved issues can create an unbalanced dynamic that ultimately leads to dissatisfaction and frustration.
While empathy and compassion are important in a relationship, a marriage should not be based on the need to “fix” your partner or their emotional issues.
If you’re more focused on helping your partner overcome their struggles than on building a healthy partnership, it can lead to feelings of burnout, resentment, and emotional exhaustion.
Why It’s a Problem:
- Unrealistic Expectations: Expecting to heal or fix someone else’s emotional wounds can lead to disappointment if your partner doesn’t change or become emotionally healthier.
- Emotional Drain: Constantly trying to manage or solve your partner’s emotional issues can be exhausting, especially if they’re not making an effort to address them themselves.
- Imbalance in the Relationship: When one partner is constantly in a caretaker role, it creates an unhealthy power dynamic and can prevent both partners from growing together equally.
Example:
You might be attracted to someone who has a history of emotional trauma or struggles with mental health issues, believing that your love and support can “fix” them. However, this dynamic can quickly become one-sided, where you are constantly giving and your partner is not reciprocating emotionally.
5. You Don’t Know What Compatibility Means
Many people enter relationships with a shallow or misguided understanding of what compatibility means.
They may confuse attraction or shared hobbies with true compatibility, which goes much deeper.
Compatibility is about more than just enjoying similar activities or having good physical chemistry; it involves shared values, life goals, emotional needs, and communication styles.
When you don’t fully understand what compatibility looks like, you may overlook deeper incompatibilities.
Things like differing values, financial habits, or long-term life plans can cause significant tension later in a marriage.
If you’re not truly aligned with your partner on these fundamental issues, the relationship may struggle to thrive in the long term.
Why It’s a Problem:
- Superficial Compatibility: Focusing on surface-level compatibility can lead to overlooking deeper issues that are essential for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.
- Ignoring Dealbreakers: Without understanding true compatibility, you may ignore dealbreakers like differing opinions on children, religion, or career aspirations.
- Unrealistic Expectations for Growth: While relationships require growth and compromise, expecting to change significant aspects of your partner’s values or personality can lead to frustration and unmet expectations.
Example:
You might feel an intense connection with someone because you both love traveling and hiking, but if your partner doesn’t want children and you do, this fundamental difference in life goals could create tension later on, no matter how strong your bond is initially.
Conclusion
Marriage is one of the most significant decisions of your life, and it’s important to approach it with a deep understanding of both yourself and your partner.
While love and passion are essential, they are not enough to sustain a marriage on their own.
If you want to avoid marrying the wrong person, it’s crucial to look beyond superficial qualities and focus on compatibility, shared values, and emotional readiness.
By avoiding the common pitfalls of assuming you can change your partner, being afraid of being alone, recreating past relationships, falling into emophilia, and misunderstanding compatibility, you can make a more informed and intentional decision about who you choose to marry.
Take the time to understand yourself and your partner, communicate openly, and ensure that you’re both on the same page about your future together.
By doing so, you’ll increase your chances of building a healthy, lasting marriage with the right person.
Emma Thompson
Hi, I'm Emma Thompson, founder of MyLittleDesire. I share relationship advice, love quotes, and thoughtful gift ideas to help you express your feelings and strengthen your bonds. Let's celebrate love together!
Email – business@mylittledesire.com
