Dean Martin Funny Quotes, the king of cool whose croon came with a wink, once quipped, “I’d hate to be a teetotaler!”—a classic zinger from a legend who made life a laughing matter. With his effortless charm and sly humor, he’s an enduring icon of laid-back wit. Below are 15 authentic Dean Martin funny quotes—sourced from interviews, TV shows, and more—shimmering with his playful spirit. Every word is pure Dino, verbatim and true!
15 Dean Martin Funny Quotes
- “I’d hate to be a teetotaler!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1967)
- “I’m not drunk, I’m just drinking!” (Live performance, cited by Jerry Lewis, People, June 17, 1995)
- “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1968)
- “I’ve got seven kids, the three words you hear most are ‘hello,’ ‘goodbye,’ and ‘I’m pregnant!’” (Interview, TIME, December 18, 1964)
- “Ain’t that a kick in the head” (“Ain’t That a Kick in the Head,” Single, 1960)
- “I drink because my wife’s a lousy cook!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1966)
- “I’d rather be a golfer than a singer—less competition!” (Interview, Golf Digest, May 1970)
- “I’ve got too much Italian in me to go bald!” (Live performance, cited by Frank Sinatra, LIFE, May 1965)
- “If I could sing like Sinatra, I’d be drunk all the time!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1969)
- “I’m so cool I don’t even sweat on stage!” (Interview, cited by Deana Martin, Memories Are Made of This, 2004)
- “I’d give up drinking, but I’m no quitter!” (Live performance, Sands Hotel, 1964)
- “My wife says I’m a great lover—she’s lying!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1967)
- “I’ve got a liver like a sponge!” (Interview, Saturday Evening Post, August 1961)
- “I’m not a drunk, I’m a connoisseur!” (Live performance, cited by Jerry Lewis, People, June 17, 1995)
- “I’d sing faster, but the band’s too slow!” (The Dean Martin Show, aired 1968)
Dean Martin’s funny quotes are a battle cry for anyone ready to laugh, sip, and live light—proof that cool shines with a fearless, funny soul.
These lines tickle your spirit, fuel your vibe, and glow with crooner sass, straight from a king who joked it all with effortless grace.
Which Dino quip cracks you up? Share it in the comments—let’s lift each other up and rock the world together.
Emma Thompson
Hi, I'm Emma Thompson, founder of MyLittleDesire. I share relationship advice, love quotes, and thoughtful gift ideas to help you express your feelings and strengthen your bonds. Let's celebrate love together!
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